Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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