I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
You ruined the universe
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
