it wasn't lemon gatorade
babies were throwing up all over the place
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
