just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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