I just threw up on my dentist
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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