bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Randomize
