i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
