i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
