I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
