Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
