so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
