About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
