When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
