can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
