How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
