i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
