You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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