Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
You have to summon your inner elephant
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
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