i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize