I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
