ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
