Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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