You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
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Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
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Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
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