Will you blow on my dice?
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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