I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
