Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
