Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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