The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
