Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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