I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
