I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
