Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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