I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
