She is in my trunk
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
