I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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