i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Do vagina's smell?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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