I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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