if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
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