Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
