were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
