He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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