apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
