Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Couch. On fire.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
