I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
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