she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
