I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Randomize
