so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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