Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
