I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
