I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
