in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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