i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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