At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
