woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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