So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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