What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Less talking, more tequila
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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