I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Randomize
