here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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